Mercenary Worker

April 30, 2012 Leave a comment

Today I had a moment of clarity. At least I think it was clarity. I didn’t get as angry as I thought I would. I just stayed calm, and rationalized. I was mad, don’t get me wrong, but, I just felt less, rage-y than I normally would have. Instead of this anger over-taking me, I learned something. I…discovered and understood something that people had been trying to tell me for a while. To be happy at work, you need to be mercenary.

I am a people-pleaser. I learned that a while ago. I like to make everyone else happy before me. I have been trying to make the wrong people happy. I thought that if I made my boss happy, my practice manager happy, my big boss happy, my employer happy, the client(s) I worked for happy…if I made all those people happy, then I would be happy. I would be rewarded with salary and training and honours and “There’s Dan! He works so hard and does good work.” I thought that if all those people were happy, they would make me happy and in turn, my wife would be happy.

I. Was. Wrong.

Dead wrong.

I could not bemorewrong.

I should have been thinking about what would make my wife happy from the start and working to maintain that happiness and improve it.

I work to make home life happy. When I can’t stop at the flower store for my wife occasionally, save for a vacation, go out and have fun because it will break the bank, that’s bad. I need to be mercenary. I need to consider her and I first, only. It’s just us. No-one will help us. No-one cares. They are busy considering themselves, as well they should.  If work life is making home life hard, that’s a problem. If work life is causing more problems than solving, that’s bad. When work or home life start to cross over because the two are affecting each other, that’s bad.

So. I need to do what’s right for me. For us. It is time for me to find an employer that will compensate me accordingly. Will not retract promises. Will treat me and my colleagues appropriately. Will value me. My willingness to learn. To take training. Who doesn’t threaten me with my employment, because I’m not billable, even though that’s not my fault. Who says I have to share in the blame for not forcing my managers to stick to their word.

You need to be mercenary. You need to be ruthless. You need to know what you want, what you’re worth. Then go get it. Don’t wait for your employer to give it to you, because they won’t.

I know what I want to do. I know what training I need to take. I know I don’t make enough to even self-study let alone get training from my employer.

I know what I’m worth.

I’m worth enough, that I should be happy.

Categories: The Goods Tags: , , , , ,

This Should Be A Better Post

March 15, 2011 Leave a comment

Oh…hello.

*blows away dust*

Wow…where have you guys been? I’ve been sitting here waiting for you to come back. I’ve had things to say.

Ok so, really, here’s the thing. I have a wide range of topics that I enjoy discussing here, video games, movies, weight loss etc, and I feel like if I write about one topic I ostracize, a whole segment of my readers…which means of the 6 of you 2-3 will be uninterested in what I’m writing. Also, I lately have been wanting to write about the medium of video games, not just games themselves, but there are so many other blogs sites out there that do it better than I ever could, that that path seems redundant and pointless; but it’s what I have been wanting to write about lately. Anyway, we’ll see what happens.

Today I decided to write, well expand on something I said today on twitter. Yes, I’ve noticed that many of my topics lately… (lately meaning 2 over 2 months) have come from conversation on twitter, but isn’t that where great ideas come from, conversation? HAHA I just called today’s blog post a “great idea” – how crass.

Back to the point: someone had mentioned that after the earthquake and tsunami had struck Japan, there was a weird twitter hate going on for people who were saying “pray for Japan” and people who were  saying “praying does nothing, if you want to help, DO something. Praying is meaningless to those affected.” etc. and the point of this post is NOT about the merits or not of praying, but amongst my followers and following, we ended up agreeing that people should just be respectful of each others beliefs and not mock or put people down for their religious beliefs etc..although we all said it in different ways. But notice what I said there… people should. Should.

You may have heard me say in the past, what should be and what actually is are two very different things. The way we treat each other, and such should be better. More respect. More consideration. But we don’t. We aren’t. You’re going to ask why, and the why is very hard to answer, but here, in my opinion, is the why, and what I wanted to write about. To expand further on a tweet I had sent out.

People love being right. People love to laud their superior knowledge over someone else, and when they are challenged or proven wrong, we argue and fight and put each other down. Being open to new ideas and possibilities and being wrong is how we learn, how we grow, and it’s important that we grow, as individuals and as a species. But no, we’d rather just be right and people agree with us. Many of us feel value ourselves externally. Meaning, what others think of us defines our self-worth. You’re probably thinking to yourself, I don’t, but if you were honest and thought about it, you do. Statements like “My friends think I’m awesome.” and “My family/employer love me” all place value on what OTHERS think of you, my point being, when people agree with you, or look up to you, or think that your view is right, it gives us a sense of power and worth. Yeah, not the ideal way of feeling good about oneself.

People overall are dicks. I have very little faith in humanity and people. Call it being jaded. Call it cynicism. Call it whatever you want. Over and over people disappoint me in how we react to each other or what someone says. The other side of that coin is our capacity for good never surprises me either. This thing in Japan and how we all as a global community have banded together, in whatever capacity doesn’t shock me. But in the end, people are dicks. Someone will use this situation to their advantage, gain status, power. Scare people into buying a product or believing some fallacy. There are racists out there thinking “good, I’m glad it’s happening to them.” and I even heard that there are people who believe it is “God’s way of retribution for Pearl Harbour” really? and you wonder why I have a problem with religion. Wow. Dropping to A-bombs on them wasn’t enough eh? Fucking dick.

See…people are dicks.

We as species are flawed. Very flawed. Some individuals use those flaws and make them a strength and use them to help better us as a people/society,but for the most part our flaws make us…flawed. We are selfish, and while thinking and doing for you is fine occasionally, doing whatever you want for you own benefit all the time is bad, we are designed to care about each other. That would be essentially overly ambitious, to our detriment. Caring more about what the individual wants rather than what’s best for the many, and while the many can value the one, and vice-versa, the one valuing the one…well not to beat the point home. You get it.

This ambition and selfishness…wait. I’m not saying that ambition is a bad thing. Sometimes it leads to great leaders who care about others. Great innovations are made because of ambition, but there is a line. Using a tragedy, using others as a means to an end…it’s wrong. That kind of ambition that leads me to my next point. Self destructive. We are very self-destructive. We fight each other, over stupid shit, to the death. Money, oil, land. These things mean nothing in the end. Regardless of what you believe happens when you die, you can’t take any of it with you. All that’s left is how you are remembered, are you demonized or not. Sure you may not care while you are alive, but to be thought of as a dick for forever, I dunno, that would matter to me.

Lastly, the reason why we aren’t what we should be. Emotions. We react emotionally to things. There is nothing more powerful,I find, than an initial negative emotional response. Anger, jealousy etc. Think about it. When something happens you don’t stop and think about it do you. You just react, based on an emotional response. Now imagine that emotional response when you have an army at your disposal, or a gun in your hand.

Once you’ve had time to think it over, your logic takes over and you start to feel better about the situation, or have a better idea on how to handle it, or and more often than not I’d bet this is the case, you think it over, discover the better way you could handle it and now you feel guilt, remorse, shame even.

All of these things are why even though we should be better, nicer, kinder, more respectful to each other, but we are not. Until we can all, assume responsibility for our share of what we do to contribute to this, we wont ever get to where we should be. What we should do, who we should be, how we should treat each other, are all very well and good, but what is, is the problem. We need to focus on what is. How do we fix what is. How do you force people to take responsibility for their actions. The what is, is what’s important. Fix the problem and we will get to where we should be.

How? I don’t know. I’m still working on getting me where I should be. It’s a work in progress. I learn and grow. I try to treat people kindly and with respect. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I don’t. Even if we tried, just tried, we would get closer to where we should be.

Weight Loss Woes

February 4, 2011 6 comments

Hey, look….can I be honest with you, I hate my body. Seriously. I HATE it. Let me see if I can put it another way. You ever see that episode of Family Guy where Chris is trying to lose weight and he grabs a hold of his stomach fat, and screams at it “YOU’RE NOT WELCOME HERE!” But he’s kind of at a loss with what to do. That’s how I feel.

Every. Fucking. Day.

Not all day every day; but every day. When I see myself in the mirror at work. When I sit down in a chair and the arms are just a little too close together (that is fucking gut wrenching by the way.) The look in some people’s faces. The fact that its socially unacceptable to be fat. It’s unattractive. Whoa…that was a big one. Let me be clear, I think I look unattractive at my size.

If I don’t see myself or anything it doesn’t occur to me I have a few a lot of extra pounds on me. I don’t “feel fat” until something happens. Anything. Walk to Starbucks, attempt at exercise, a flight of stairs, a pretty girl looks at me. Even meeting people, I am totally put off because I don’t want people to see how I fat I am. That’s a terrible generalization to put on people, that they would judge me by the way I look and not, and I am being as humble and honest as I can here, how awesome I am. Of course at my size, I need to have a kick ass personality and be funny….

Anyway, I really want to lose weight. Badly. I quit smoking for fuck sakes. Do you have any idea how hard that is?! it was the single most challenging thing I had to do in my life, and I still crave it some days. Actually while writing this, I want one. My point is, if I can quit smoking, one of the most addictive substances on the planet surely I should be able to lose weight.

But how? No really. How the fuck does one lose weight?

Oh right. Diet and exercise. I try that. over and over. I count calories. nothing helps. I don’t lose. I just get bigger and bigger. Less and less stamina.

I went to my doctor when I wanted to quit smoking. It’s bad for me. It may have killed me. I said,

“Doc, I want to quit. I’m sick of it. I hate it.”

he said “Great!”

“So, I tried the patch, gum…cold turkey. What else you got? Isn’t there that pill?”

“Champix?”

“yeah!”

“yes! let’s do that.”

1 week later I wasnt even smoking.

2 months later I was done completely.

I just celebrated 1 year as a non-smoker.

Now:

I go to my Doc,

“Hey Doc, so I hate being a Fatty McFatterson. It doesn’t match up with who I am. It’s unhealthy. It could kill me. I want to feel and look better for me!”

“Great! Diet and Exercise”

wait…what? But…there was a pill for smoking. I got results. They stuck. Whats up with that?

I eat right. I keep my calories under or around 1500-1600. I exercise. Nothing. No results. At all. I NEED results. It’s who I am. I must have results or what is the point?

I have spent literally thousands of dollars on exercise equipment for at home, because the judgemental look from the asshole gym type is just something I can live without.

Wii with Wii Fit Plus. Free weights. Elliptical. Home Cable Gym System. Xbox 360 with Kinect and Your Shape. Bike. Rollerblades.

So listen, if there is some secret, that I need to get on my knees and beg for, I’m doing it. I have swallowed my pride. Help me. I need to know EXACTLY what to do to lose weight. Not some abstract concept of “diet and exercise” not some “go see a personal trainer who will rip you off” $300 for what? oh…right…diet and exercise. There HAS to be something more. Some key thing I’m missing.

Please understand. I like me. I really do. I just don’t like my body. At all. I need to change it. I want to change it. Everything else about me is awesome, is it too much to ask that my body match. I know I sound incredibly arrogant. It isn’t. I just know who I am. I know my faults and my …..not faults? LOL

I’m just confident.

Yeah…so…thanks for reading. Listening. If you feel the same, have advice, anything; share it. Leave a comment. Hit up my twitter. If you want to keep it private just ask for my email and we can chat that way too. :)

False Positive

January 14, 2011 2 comments

It’s a new year. I should try this blog thing again. I thought it went well last time. Notice the name change and I got rid of a few categories. Change is good I hear. Couldn’t find a theme/scheme/layout I liked more and I’m no web developer so, templates it is.

As some of you are aware, I spend a lot of time on twitter, like an unreal amount of time, and something that keeps popping up not only in real life but on twitter as well is…positivity. Well more so how people seem to be complaining about negativity and how everyone needs to be more positive and upbeat and how they don’t want to listen to/read people’s whining, complaining and bullshit.

Never really ever directed at me though. At least…not directly directed at me….if that makes sense. Still, I know I have the occasional negative sounding tweet or thing to say…most of the time it really is just cynicism and sarcasm.

Of course because I took it somewhat personally I started to over-think it. At first I was all…FUCK YOU IMMA SAY WHAT I WANT BITCHES!! but then I calmed down…and didn’t say shit for a while….

Now…back to my usual self…but here’s the thing.

Sometimes what is read as negative is really…just realistic commentary or observation. Just because the context is negative, doesn’t mean that the person is a negative person. I’m not saying that positivity is a bad thing. I’m a firm believer in the power of positive thinking and self-fulfilling prophecies, doesn’t mean I do it. I like who and how I am, a sarcastic, cynical person, who, I like to think, calls people on their shit.

Anyway, what I find absolutely, infinitely more annoying than a stream of whiny BS, is false positivity and daily affirmations shared publicly. Trying to prove to everyone else that *big faux smile and cheery tone* Yes! I AM a truly happy person and my life is wonderful and everything is rainbows and unicorns!

Im not saying that you should go to the opposite extreme and get all emo and be like “Life is an empty abyss of nothing, full of pain and tears and blood of innocents. (i see the oxymoron, contradiction, redundancy thing there)

Seriously though. Sometimes, some days just suck. Then to hear or see someone go on and on and on with their super positive, inspirational bullshit is enough to make you want to choke a bitch.The one benefit to seeing it on twitter or Facebook or a blog, is unfollow, unfriend, unsubscribe, you don’t need to choke a bitch. In fact that’s probably the best thing about any social media tool; the ability to not HAVE to see it. In life, when that super positive walking rainbow of fairy dust comes over to you, it is considered good manners to tolerate them. To say, “Listen, you seem really nice, but I hate you. You’re too happy. It comes off as fake and annoying.” well you’re labeled a dick. But if you just quietly unfollow or unsub or whatever and don’t make a big production about it “HAI GUYZ!!! IM UNFOLLOWING @applelovinmonkeyz BECAUSE THEY LIKE APPLES AND I DONT AGREE!!!111!!!1ELEVEN!!ONE!!” no-ones the wiser and technically, nobody should care.

Maybe I am too cynical, but, while I like to see people happy, I don’t want to see you fake your happy, your positivity. It isn’t healthy and you’ll end up broken.

I guess the point I’m making is that either extreme is fucking annoying and we need to cut it out.

Disclaimer

October 17, 2010 Leave a comment

I am an attention whore. I’ve always known I’ve liked attention. Good or bad. Pay attention to me! However, the older i get? mmmm….maybe not. Maybe it’s joining twitter, or something in me snapped….anyway, I seem to really be desperate for attention. I’m not sure what this is indicative of, I just know that over the past few months, I’ve been getting a lot of attention and I’m really enjoying it. Except when the attention goes away, I get all panicky and think something is horribly wrong.

Perhaps I’m not an attention whore, as I sit here and think about the last few months, perhaps it’s been that I have been getting more attention than normal, and so I’m used to it? I can’t tell. Who doesn’t like attention? It makes us feel good. Special. So when you are showered with it, and then it’s taken away it can be quite…painful in a way. Add that to my abandonment issues and you have a very paranoid, very sensitive, possibly horrible situation.

Before I continue, I talk a lot of shit, I form opinions of others and sometimes I speak them. I have a few drafts of posts that are about personality types I have encountered recently and their flaws. I thought, who am I to say anything until I am honest with you about me.  I have found with how I am, it’s best to be honest about who and how I am. So I tell people who need to know, look…right off the bat. I’m an asshole. I’m cynical, sarcastic, I can be mean, I will say things that will offend you and piss you off. It doesn’t matter who you are, everyone gets treated the same. One of my best friends, when he was going to introduce me to his new girlfriend he actually asked me to not be myself and not be a dick. I didn’t take offense, whether he was kidding or not, I can be a real asshole. She deserved to be shielded from that,

You know what though, I don’t care what people think either. I like how I am. I like that I can be a real dick/asshole. I have to be. I am what you would call….a hypersensitive. Always have been. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I speak how I’m feeling…most of the time. I do have a level of maturity that tells me, hey, maybe don’t say that. But for the most part I’m honest about most of my feelings. Until the Irish in me kicks in, then I just pour alcohol over everything and push it all the way down. Sometimes that’s just for the best.

Being a dick is how I protect myself.

All that being said, if you can handle all that, I will be a great friend to you. I will do whatever it takes to help, make you feel better, spend time with you. The shirt off my back is yours if it helps you. Of course, don’t cross me, don’t fuck me over. Do not disrespect me, or treat me like shit or use me. I have the amazing ability to cut you off completely. Without a second thought.

Attention whore. Yeah, I dunno. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I am. The one thing I can definitely say is that I do love attention. Hence the almost 20,000 tweets. The failed jokes everywhere. The comments I make about EVERYTHING.

I have important things to say damnit!(not really) and you need to hear them!(no you really don’t)…so yeah. Plus I’m funny. Fuck you! I am too! No, not really. A little. Let’s agree a little. You need to think I’m funny or this shit isn’t gonna work.

Ok…so…now I’m just trying to stretch this out to 750 words. So the rest of this post may not make a lot of sense. Yeah, that’s my new thing. Each post, I’m going to try to write 750 words. I dunno why.

From now on tho, if I have posts on topics that I want to write, and when/if they slam other people, or personality types, I’m going to reference this post, to show that, I’m not afraid to admit who I am, what my faults are, what makes me awesome (I am pretty fucking awesome) that way…all it will do is really piss people off, because they’ll be all “Oh really?! is that what you think?!” Then they’ll read this and be like….well fuck you took all the fun out of hating you. Hey, hate away. Haters gonna hate.

Yeah, there’s a lot more wrong with me….but I covered the main points. If you’re reading this, and think that you’re the reason I’m writing this post, I’m going to call you Carly Simon. (if you don’t get the reference go listen to some music)

Comment, twitter all that fun interactive… schtuff. I love the attention. You…you dont want to make me feel unloved do you? DO YOU!? hahaha….later.

Moral High Ground

October 5, 2010 4 comments

Hi.

Yes, I know. I said I would have an entry by the weekend. Internet, I’m sorry. I don’t have anything to really say for myself. I thought of you repeatedly if that helps. I just got busy. It’s not a good reason, but there it is.

Let’s move on ok? I’m here, and I have something to talk about…so, yeah.

Last night on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart (if you don’t watch it shame on you) the guest was author Sam Harris plugging his new book The Moral Landscape: How Science Can Determine Human Values which is basically a book about how our moral values don’t necessarily have to be based on religious reasoning and can be attributed to logical reasoning/thought (science) ie psychology, economically etc.

He made a really interesting point last night, he said that religion, specifically Catholicism, has given us our moral values for all the wrong reasons, then Jon interrupted him with some witty comment that drove the conversation in another direction. That line stuck with me though being raised Catholic but no longer practicing, my moral values came from there. Sure my parents were like, don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t hurt others etc, but that all came from the bible.

There was no science to it. You know why you don’t do those things…so we don’t go to Hell. Fear of punishment. Fear. Negative reinforcement. No-one explains to you as a child, or even now as an adult, the social, mental, or other benefits of not murdering, stealing, taking advantage of people and other less moral treatment of others. Don’t be bad or you will be punished. That’s what we’re told.

Think about it, how often, when money troubles hit and they hit hard, do you think you know, I could totally knock over a gas station or 7-11. If I get more people maybe even a bank and then you wake up and think  no, that’s wrong…I’ll get through this.

The reason why you think like this, the time spent planning, executing, the possibility of people getting hurt…and then you get caught..it’s not worth it. It isn’t because it’s “wrong” per se, more that, getting caught is an inconvenience for us. We can’t be bothered to deal with the consequences. This is interesting. Why is it wrong to take what isn’t ours? I mean, if you are a smart enough, strong enough, quick enough to beat whatever security measures are in place to protect what isn’t yours, don’t you “deserve” to take it? I’m not saying it’s ok, what I’m asking is…aside from being punished why not do it? What is the social impact on taking from someone else. Someone who, may not deserve what they have, or maybe they do.

I figure we feel this way because, we are “scared straight”.

Where’s the reward for not misbehaving? Training animals, raising kids…even learning something new as an adult, we are told positive reinforcement garners better results, yet to behave in the socially acceptable manner we are punished after the fact. We aren’t rewarded for being good. We take it as  personal development, growth, achieving goals when someone pushes our buttons and we don’t beat them to a bloody pulp, which they totally deserve.

So, not only do I not get rewarded for making the moral choice of not beating some, but they get away with being a dick. However, if I were to choose to beat said dick, more than likely I would get punished by society, the police, my friends or employer….does that make sense?

Being free, walking around outside, going to work all day, stressing out over how the fuck am I going to make my mortgage payment this month isn’t a reward. Going to prison, where I can work out, eat 3 meals a day, I don’t pay for my lodging, I’m given an hour for exercise a day…access to books to read, training for employment and I don’t pay a dime…well that sounds like a reward to me…but wait…isn’t that supposed to be a punishment…?

I don’t want to get in to a religion vs science debate. I was more interested in where our morals and values come from. Why we have them. Why what we consider wrong is in fact wrong. How we seem to punish the good and reward the bad, even though we are led to believe it is the other way around.

Is our morality really as personal decision as we lead ourselves and others on to believe or do we just follow the masses because it’s safer and expected?

I don’t know…but I need a coffee so, I’m  gonna go get one…you want anything? …you sure? ok.

While I’m gone share your thoughts with me on this. :)

Thanks for reading and commenting.

It’s So Dusty Over Here.

September 28, 2010 1 comment

*wipes dust away*

*blows on blog*

Hello? Internet? You still here? ….*looks around*

oh there you are! How are you? I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have neglected you for so long. I feel bad about it. It’s just, I was doing well.

Nothing was really inspiring me to write. I had no muse. I wasn’t pissed off at anything.

Music Monday went nowhere. I really hoped for some interaction with my reader(s) but sadly, I either have shitty taste in music or no-one had anything to say. That’s ok :)

So yeah, that’s it. Nothing. But recently, in the last, I dunno, week or so, I’ve been thinking, hey my blog probably could use a little love.  So here is an entry to let all of you…yes you 2, that I have every intention of writing in it again.

I need to figure out how to make things that seem like they wouldnt be a good entry, a good entry. You know? I read a blog that I’m going to throw up in the “Showcased Site” section. Some of you may already read The Pit Stops, but if you don’t head over there. I love the way @that_angela writes. Something about feels….good, when I read it.Oh the content of her blog? Life, for he most. Partly her fitness challenges and partly things that happen aka life :)

Wife gave me shit a while back when I asked you, the reader, what would you like to read about…and when I think about it, she makes a good point. People come here to read about what I want to write about, not what I’m told/ or is suggested to write, that’s for real writers who make money at doing it. So, for a fleeting moment today I was going to ask again, but I don’t think I will. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever take suggestions for content Internet. You have so much to offer I will always use your ideas/content.

Ok enough rambling, I tried to get this to 750 words it isn’t going to happen. Plus my lunch break is over. Ok….I swear, new entry…by the weekend.

Categories: The Goods Tags: ,